Ridiculous Romances
by dumbledores beard
Summary: A set of ridiculous romances destined to go disasterously wrong. Love triangles and lots of fluff! PLEASE READ AND REVIEW! UPDATED!
1. Default Chapter

DISCLAIMER: We do not own anyone in this story. This story contains slash. You have been warned. We love Harry Potter and are just having a little fun with the characters.

CHAPTER ONE

'I see your face and I compare it to the sunrise, but alas you are too beautiful, the colours of the sunrise do you no justice', said Argus to Crabbe.

'Thank you, caretaker, I shall cherish you until my dying day", said Crabbe tenderly with a small tear rolling down his cheek.

"Lets make sweet love, in my cupboard, it shall be passionate and we shall experience the greatest orgasm together" said Argus.

"But my dear, we are not yet married. I cannot sacrifice my honour", said Crabbe, "But since I'm in the throws of passion I guess I could experience true love with such a true man just this once".

The two lovers made their way to the broom cupboard, where the sweet noises of love soon came bursting through the small crack under the door. 

Argus came out of the cupboard with Crabbe hand in hand five minutes later. Argus turned to Crabbe and got down on one knee.

"Marry me, Vincent. Be mine forever, we shall have babies and live in a hut by the seaside. Imagine it, the babies asleep in the bedroom, Mrs Norris eating a mouse by the door and my little Crabbe massaging my feet while the little ones play on the floor with the dogs. We'll have six or seven" said Argus.

"Dogs?" said Crabbe

"No, strapping boys like me" said Argus drawing himself up.

"Oh Arggy Parggy, yes, yes I will marry you. That is the most beautiful thing I have ever heard. Oh, my love let me hold you", cried Crabbe.

Argus and Crabbe skipped hand in hand, off to tell Mrs Norris the wonderful news.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

"Come back to bed, Minervy. We have the whole day ahead of us" sighed Albus Dumbledore.

"Oh Albus, my sweet, there is so much that needs to be done that I fear I must get up. Let us hold this sweet memory forever" said McGonagall.

"But I long to caress your heavenly curves just once more!" said Dumbledore.

"Yes, very well my love. I trust you have the Viagra?"

"Yes sweet, it's in the drawer; would you kindly pass it me?"

"Oh Alpen, there are not enough words in the world that can describe what you mean to me, you are my sky, my world, my everything. Let us roll about in a naked frenzy while I scream out your name in unspoken passion", cried McGonagall waving her bun from side to side.

"Yes my dear professor, let us express to the world our undying love. Come my dear, let me take you in my aging, arthritic arms" cried Dumbledore.

McGonagall ran into his arms.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Snape sighed. Life felt good. He fell back onto his chair as he thought of his love, his life, his little star. He picked up the picture of Gregory Goyle and kissed it. Too long had he waited to propose. He would do it tonight. He would get the boy to be his, and no one, not even Dumbledore, would stop him. 

There was a small knock on his chamber door.

"By and by I come" sighed Snape.

He stood up and walked gracefully to the door. 

"Who knocks on my door at this hour?" said Snape.

"It is I, Gregory the Great"

Snape began to get excited. This was the moment. 

"Come in sweet Greggy" cried Snape triumphantly.

The door swung open and the majestic Gregory walked in.

"Oh how I have longed for your tender lips my sweet prince" cried Snape running into his arms.

"You need not fear anymore my dear Sevvie for I am here now and I will not leave you", said Gregory holding Snape.

Snape then got down on one knee. 

"Will you marry me, Greggy? Will you be mine forever and ever? I do not want to imagine living a life where you are not by my side, please marry me" Sobbed Snape.

"Yes, I will, I will!" cried Gregory, sobbing.  

And the trumpets began. The audience cheered. Someone coughed. Popcorn was bought round for everyone. The birds sang and the flowers grew tall. The dolphins sang their song and Sebastian (A/N from 'The Little Mermaid') orchestrated it. He sung his song to Snape.

There you see him

Sitting there across de way 

He don't got a lot to say

But there's something about him

And you don't know why 

But you're dying to try

You wanna kiss de Greg

Sha la la la la la my oh my looks like he's far too shy don't wanna kiss the Greg.

Snape threw himself onto Gregory and the two began to make passionate love right there on Snapes desk.

Sebastian got embarrassed and left, his orchestra following.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Meanwhile, in the dormitories, Harry Potter sat up in bed and began to sing.

And I think about Draco and me 

Hello young lovers wherever you are

I hope your troubles are few

All my good wishes go with you tonight

I've had a love of my own

(From 'The King and I')

Harry sighed. He had loved Draco for a long time but had never admitted it. He would get Draco to love him, no matter what it took. He decided to go for a night time stroll. He threw on his invisibility cloak and made his way out of Griffindor tower. He was just thinking about the best way to tell Draco when he heard a noise. He glanced up and saw Draco (who was on his prefect duties). Harry stopped dead. He would _have to tell him. It was now or never. He threw the invisibility cloak off his head, got down on one knee and opened his arms._

"Draco Malfoy, you are the sun, the moon, the stars. I think about you at night, during the day, at breakfast, at lunch, at supper, in lessons, in the bath, on the toilet. You are forever in my thoughts. I love you Draco Malfoy. I don't care who knows it".

Draco stood there dumbfounded. A minute passed. Then he burst into tears. Then threw himself on Harry.

"Oh! I love you too Harry! Let us be lovers! 

"Oh Draco! I love every gelled hair on your head! 

And the violins began to play. And the knights in armour in the halls began to clap.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Sirius slammed his fist down on the table, causing a fruit bowl to tip over, and several apples to make their way onto the floor.

"Remus, I have told you repeatedly, I do not care that you are a werewolf. You are my lover and I will not let this stand in the way!" 

"But Sirius, how can we have a love life if I am a werewolf at night?"

"Remus you are not a werewolf every night. Only when it is a full moon. That is not every night! Besides, you make a very handsome werewolf" grinned Sirius. 

"Thank you my dear, you make quite a ravishing dog"

Sirius eyes sparkled mischievously. 

"I could always…you know..when it is a full moon…"

"My love, I hope you are not suggesting that you transform into the dog and we make love at the full moon?" smirked Lupin.

"Exactly" said Sirius.

"It's a glorious idea!" said Lupin. 

That night just happened to be a full moon. And so, dog and werewolf bonded under a beautiful tree. 

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

"Hermione Granger, would you do me the greatest honour of becoming my wife?"

Hermione's eyes brimmed with tears as she stared into the eyes of Ron Weasley. 

"Oh Ronald! my sweet Ronald! I shall be your wife!" 

Ron pulled Hermione into a tight hug.

"That, my love, is bloody brilliant!"

"Bloody, _hic!,_ brilliant!" repeated a drunken  portrait, holding up a pint of mulled mead.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Sir Cadogan smiled. The Fat Lady would be _his and no mangy cur would stop that. No one. Not even his jealous pony. _

"She will be mine! Anyone who takes her, shall stand and fight!" he cried, waving his broken sword. 

Several portraits nodded in agreement. 

And so he ran. To a far away land. The Griffindor Tower. And there sat his Fat Lady.

"My beautiful Fat Lady! I love you! Be mine! Forever!

"Oh Sir Cadogan!" 

And there they made passionate love and the Fat Lady forgot all about her password duties.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Draco stared at the Wonder Boy lying next to him and smiled, running his hands through Harry's hair. They were together at last. But how would Lucius react? 

Miles away, at the Malfoy Manor, Lucius was on one knee to his one true love.

"How I love you my dear. I am sorry for the cruel way I treated you! Can we start again?"

Dobby smiled.

"But what about masters wife, what will she say?"

"She need never know, my love"………………

TBC.

A/N Our beautiful attempt at being romantic. Sick bucket, anyone? hee hee. See ya for now. Please Read and Review.


	2. And then it began to go wrong

Disclaimer: nothing is ours.

CHAPTER TWO

"Wormtail, my love, how I worship the ground you cower upon" said Voldemort

"Y..yes..m…master, it is clear that our love has grown" stuttered Peter.

"My dear, how long have I hidden my feelings from you? How long have I tortured you to conceal my true emotions? But it is time to tell you what I feel. When you milked me for Nagini I realised……I love you" sobbed Voldemort.

"Oh master!" sobbed Wortail, flinging his arms around Voldemort and promptly being bit on the arse by Nagini.

The Death Eaters (minus Lucius, who was busy declaring his love for Dobby) burst into applause and started crying.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

The Fat Lady smiled. Finally, after all this time, Sir Cadagon was hers. Finally, she didn't feel fat anymore. She felt like a beautiful princess with her knight in shining armour. She decided to visit her friend Violet to tell her the good news. She made her way to Violet's portrait and stopped. She could hear moaning and heavy breathing. She smiled. Obviously Violet had found her true love aswell. The Fat Lady stepped into the portrait.

She tip-toed into the portrait and what she saw made her blood run cold. There, on Violet's bed, was none other than her precious Sir Cadagon, clearly having his way with her best friend. 

"Oh caddy! Yes Caddy, you're soooooo strong!"

"Oh Vile, you are such a woman!!!! You are the sun, the moon! You-

"YOU BASTARD!" screamed the Fat Lady

Sir Cadagon and Violet fell off the bed, panting.

"My…my love… it's not what it looks like"

"Then what the hell are you doing? Having a friendly chat? You disgusting man!" 

The Fat Lady picked up a vibrator near Violet's bed and chased Sir Cadagon (who had his pants round his ankles) around various portraits.

The Fat Lady, once again, felt very fat.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Lucius stared at the house elf washing the dishes. At last they were finally together. But how would Narcissa react? He would tell her tonight. Or in the morning. Or maybe never. No. He would tell her NOW. He had to. He wanted to be with Dobby. 

He made his way to their chamber and entered. He stood still, eyes wide with shock. For there on the bed, was Narcissa and Cornelius Fudge having sex.

"What in gods name!" said Lucius

Narcissa sat up, clearly not bothered by the situation.

"Oh. Hello Lucius. I thought you would drop by"

"You what?" said Lucius. "What are you doing with him in our bed?"

Cornelius Fudge gave an awkward smile. He still had his bowler hat on. 

"Well, Lucius, I have to have some excitement while you busy around all day. I get bored up here all on my own"

"You could tell me, instead of having sex with someone else. Especially him!" said Lucius.

"Now, now Lucius. The woman has a point" said Fudge. "You can't expect her to sit around all day"

Lucius could feel his temper rising.

"Get out of my manor, you disgusting arsehole!" shouted Lucius

"No, he will stay! Lucius, leave us alone!" said Narcissa

"Not in my manor! Get out!" said Lucius, walking over to Fudge and dragging him out of the bed.

"No, leave him alone! Have't you got something to tell me Lucius?" said Narcissa, standing with her hands on her hips.

"What? What do you mean?" said Lucius, turning round.

"I know about you and that filthy little house elf" 

"Nonsense" said Lucius

"I've seen the way you look at him! Dobby this, Dobby that!" 

"Alright! It's true! We are seeing each other" 

"I knew it! You bastard! How dare you have a go at me!"

Narcissa threw herself onto Lucius and started punching him.

Fudge crawled out of the room, buttoned up his pants and legged it.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Sirius was not completely happy about his relationship with Lupin. They had a wonderful time under that oak tree, but Sirius had his suspicions. There was another werewolf, who lived nearby and Lupin always seemed to make excuses when he transformed. 

Tonight, luckily, was a full moon.

"Remus dear" said Sirius "What do you say we spend some time together tonight? I could transform"

"Er, not tonight Sirius darling, I'd rather not"

Sirius decided then that he would follow Lupin.

Night came and Lupin was fully transformed. Sirius (in dog form) followed him quietly and hid behind a tree. Lupin was communicating with the other werewolf from down the street. It looked like they were flirting. 

"Hoooooowwwwllllllll" said Lupin

"Hoooowwwlll Hooowwwllll! said werewolf from down the street

"Oh my god!" whispered Sirius. It was lucky the he could understand werewolfish.

**Translation**

"You are so beautiful" said Lupin

"So are you, my werewolf" said werewolf from down the street

Sirius was devastated. He made his way back, where he chewed on a gigantic bone, that Lupin had once bought him.  


	3. The joy of love

Disclaimer: And the writers looked into Fanfiction.net's eyes and said: "Oh my darling, love us, for we do not own anything" 

CHAPTER THREE

Harry grabbed his lover's hand and they skipped towards The Three Broomsticks.

"Draco dear, don't you think we should tell your parents about our relationship?"

"Soon, Harry love, soon" said Draco.

The two lovers continued to skip when they spotted Ron and Hermione in the distance.

"Ron!" shouted Harry.

Ron turned around and walked towards the couple, Hermione close behind.

"Alright mate" said Ron.

"Me and Draco were just going to The Three Broomsticks, want to join us?" said Harry, sensing some kind of atmosphere.

"Er, yeah, sure" said Ron. 

Hermione shot a quick glance at Draco, who glared at her.

"Good, we can have a nice drink together!" said Harry, nervously. He was sure this would be a good way for Draco, Hermione and Ron to settle their differences.

(Fifteen minutes and several Butterbeers later in The Three Broomsticks)

"YOU FUCKING WEASEL, HOW DARE YOU INSULT MY MOTHER!!" yelled Draco, swinging his flagon of Butterbeer and dripping it all over Harry, who was pulling on his robes.

"YOU ARE NOTHING BUT A SHIT MALFOY! I DON'T KNOW WHAT HARRY SEES IN YOU! YOU ARE NOTHING BUT A BLEACH HAIRED SPOILT BRAT!" yelled Ron.

"Stop it you two!" said Hermione, clearly distressed by the situation.

"WHAT ABOUT YOU THEN WEASLEY? THE BEST YOU CAN DO IS A BUSHY HAIRED MUDBLOOD CHIPMUNK!" shouted Draco.

That did it. Hermione let go of Ron, picked up her flagon and smashed it over Draco's head, knocking him out. Ron, not caring that Draco was already unconscious, began punching him repeatedly. Harry jumped on top of Ron to try and stop him and Hermione stormed out.  Luckily, Hagrid was also there and came over to break it apart.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Lucius Malfoy was not a happy man. Sure, he had the money, the manor and the elf, but that didn't stop his anger at Narcissa. She had no right to sleep with another man in their bed. Lucius had also found out that Fudge wasn't the only man. It turned out that Narcissa had slept with half the ministry, including Arthur Weasley. Lucius clenched his fists. Why was it bothering him so much when he had Dobby?

He entered their bed chamber.

"Lucius" said Narcissa.

"You have ten minutes to pack you're stuff and get the hell of my manor" said Lucius.

"I don't think so! As you're wife, I own half of this manor, including that disgusting house elf" said Narcissa.

"You do not speak of Dobby in that tone!"

"I'll speak about him how I like!"

"Like I said, ten minutes to get out" snarled Lucius. He left the room.

Narcissa smirked. She wasn't going anywhere. She sat down and began to write a letter for Draco.

_Dearest Draco,_

_I regret to inform you that your father has declared his undying love for the family house elf. This means that the atmosphere will be very frosty when you return home for the Christmas holidays. We might even have to cook our own Christmas dinner. It's depressing me. Could you possibly steal a cook book from the kitchens at School? I'm not too sure on how to peel a potato. I was never too good at cooking. Oh well, bye for now. Hope you are well._

_Love Mummy. mwwwwaaahhhh. xx_

Narcissa set down her quill. She would show Lucius. She would learn how to cook.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Voldemort sipped his large glass of Coca Cola (with ice and umbrella) under the huge palm tree. This was the life. The Death Eaters gathered round, fanning him with huge leaves. Wormtail was massaging his feet.

"My lovely master, isn't this wonderful?" said Wormtail, straightening his Hawaiian shirt. 

Voldemort sighed and set his empty glass down. One of the Death Eaters immediately refilled it.  

"Wormtail, my love, it is wonderful"

Nagini sat close by, wearing a hula dress.

"Nagini, the dance, if you please"

Nagini made an angry hissing sound and began to slither from side to side, attempting to hula dance.  

"Wormtail, my love, I feel it is time to express our true feelings on this wonderful holiday"

"Indeed Master" said Wormtail. 

But Voldemort was unaware that Wormtail was thinking of someone else………..

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Sirius set down his wand. Wonderful. Lupin would love this.  He turned around just as Lupin strolled in with a tray of food.

"Sirius darling, would you like some-aaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrrggggggggggggghhhh!!!!!"

Lupin dropped the tray and stared horrified at Sirius.

"What in gods name have you done?"

Sirius grinned. 

"Do you like it?" 

"But…what the hell have you done?"

Sirius had decided it would be a good idea to stick werewolf hair extensions to his face in order to impress Lupin.

"I'm now a werewolf, like you darling!" said Sirius proudly.

"You look like a sodding caveman!"

"But I thought you would like them!"

"Like them? You've got more facial hair than Rubeus Hagrid!"

"Thanks a lot!" said Sirius, folding his arms and looking extremely pissed off. 

"Look Sirius, I really do not mind that you are not a werewolf. I love you just the way you are!"

"Oh yeah? Well what was all that between you and werewolf from down the street then?" snarled Sirius.

"Who?" said Lupin.

"Werewolf from down the street. You know, the shaggy haired buck toothed ugly werewolf that you have been meeting every full moon"

Lupin sighed.

"She's just a friend Sirius. Nothing more"

"So, have you always found other werewolves attractive then?" said Sirius.

"Well…I…er…." 

"Well, have you?"

"Well, I did quite fancy Michael Jackson when he turned into a werewolf in the 'Thriller' video" said Lupin, blushing.

"Who's Michael Jackson?" said Sirius, looking confused.

"Nevermind" said Lupin.

Sirius scowled. Maybe he should get to know the new dog from down the street. He tossed his werewolf extensions aside and stormed out, determined to find out who this Michael Jackson person was. 

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Filch stared at Crabbe eating his lunch at the Slytherin table and smiled. The boy was his at last.

Filch let his eyes wander over to the staff table, where they landed on Severus Snape. Snape was currently tossing his thick dark hair over his shoulder. Filch shivered. He had always had a thing for that man. But no. He was engaged to Crabbe now. He would have to behave himself. Though he couldn't help but picture a naked Snape in his broom cupboard.

Little did he know, Crabbe was having the exact same thoughts about Gregory Goyle. Those big hands. That big head. The way he scoffed his food. But Crabbe would have to behave. He was engaged to Filch now………………

A/N Thanks for reviewing.  


	4. A very merry Christmas at the Malfoy man...

Disclaimer: Nothing is ours. 

Draco screwed up the letter from his mother and scowled. Great. His father was going out with a house elf and his mother can't even cook. He needed some comfort from Harry right now. He strolled into the Great Hall and saw Harry sitting with the ginger weasel and the mudblood chipmunk. Stupid mudblood. His head still hurt where she had smashed the butterbeer glass on it. He glanced at Harry who blew him a kiss. He smirked. Unfortunately, due to the lack of seats at the slytherin table, he had to sit next to the pug Parkinson, who, as usual, was showing plenty of leg. 

"Draco, when are you going to propose to me?" said Parkinson, fluttering her eyelashes. "You know how much I love you don't you?"

"Yes, Parkinson, I am aware of your obsession for me and in answer to your first question, I wouldn't marry you if you were the last girl on earth" spat Draco.

"But my heart flutters every time you are near! Draco, we have to get married! Forget about Potter! He's the enemy remember? I'm much better for you!" 

"The only thing that flutters when you are near me, Parkinson, are your eyelashes. You remind me greatly of a Camel. Now will you please leave me alone. Actually, I have lost my appetite" 

Draco got up and stormed out of the great hall. Harry saw this and immediately followed.

"Draco, love, what is wrong?" said Harry, putting his arm around him. 

Draco placed his hand inside his robe, pulled out the screwed up letter from his mother and handed it to Harry. Harry opened it and read it. His face was serious as he did so. After he had read it he glanced at Draco for a minute. Then he burst out laughing. 

"What's so funny?" said Draco, feeling slightly annoyed.

"Y…your….fa…father…Dobby!" Harry was laughing so much he couldn't get the words out.  

"Thanks for understanding" spat Draco. He turned around and started to make his way 

towards the dungeons.

Harry stopped laughing immediately. 

"Draco wait!"

Draco turned around. 

"I thought Dobby didn't work for you anymore? I made it so that your father freed him"

"Yeah well he's working for us again, if you must know. Go on, have a good laugh"

"Draco, we should tell your parents about us" said Harry.

"I'm aware of that" said Draco.

"We should do it in the Christmas holidays! I could come back to your manor!" 

Draco thought about this for a moment before answering.

"Maybe I should write them a letter" he said.

"Ok, if you think that's best" said Harry, grabbing Draco's hand and kissing it.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Draco wrote the letter straight after lessons that day.

_Dear mother and father,_

_I am sorry to hear about recent events at home. I hope you are both ok. Father, I hope it goes well with you and the house elf, though I think you should try to work things out with mother. Mother, I will try to get you that cook book. As for me, I am fine. Lessons are going well and I am keeping to my prefect duties. But what I really wanted to say was that I am now going out with someone. I have had feelings for this person for some time now and they recently told me that they feel the same way. I adore this person, they are my life, my sunshine. I would love it if you would get to know them and so I am bringing them home for the Christmas holidays. You obviously want to know who it is so I will tell you. It is Harry Potter. Me and Harry will be joining you at Christmas. Bye for now._

_Draco___

_P.S. You didn't expect me to say Pansy Parkinson did you? I will tell you now that I have no desire whatsoever to be near her. I can't even stand being in the same room as her. Bye!_

Draco smirked. He knew that they would have expected it to be Parkinson. He knew that his parents would except Harry. They could hardly have a go after all this house elf business.

(five minutes and an owl with a reply later) 

Draco opened the letter.

_You little shit! How could you? You are a disgrace to the Malfoy name. I am ashamed to call you my son. I do not want you or that disgusting wonder boy at my manor at Christmas. It is bad enough having your mother. Understand? good. Bye for now._

_Daddy xx_

There was another letter from Narcissa.

_Draco__,_

_Do not listen to your father. He is an arsehole. You and Harry are welcome here at Christmas. Anything your father says is crap. We can have a good time at Christmas. He can go and please his elf. I look forward to seeing you soon._

_Love mummy xx_

_P.S. Don't forget the cook book._

Draco smirked and skipped off to tell Harry that he could come to the manor.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Finally, the Christmas holidays came, and Harry and Draco made their way towards the Hogwarts express. Ron and Hermione were also on the train, as they were spending their holidays at The Burrow.

The train journey was a nightmare. Harry had let it slip to Ron about Lucius having the affair with Dobby. Ron spent the first half of the journey doing impressions of Dobby proposing to Lucius. Draco cracked and threw a pile of pumpkin pasties at Ron, who then punched him. Hermione was furious with Ron until Draco called her a mudblood, causing her to whack him over the head with her heavy volume of _Hogwarts: a history_. 

Harry was relieved when the train reached the station. They parted from Ron and Hermione. 

"Draco love, how are we going to get to your manor?" said Harry, confused.

"Apparate of course" said Draco. 

A few minutes later they were standing outside the doors of the manor. Draco knocked. The door opened and there stood Narcissa, looking thrilled. 

"Oh Draco! how lovely to see you! And ..er… Harry" said Narcissa, awkwardly.

They stepped inside and entered the kitchen, where Lucius was stood looking extremely pissed off.

"What the hell are you doing here? and with _him_" said Lucius, looking disgusted.

"Lucius stop it. I said they could come and I told you, we have to be civil to one another. It is Christmas. A time to show love for your family. Or in your case, the family house elf" spat Narcissa.

Lucius stormed out, snake staff swinging madly. 

"Draco, did you get the cook book?" said Narcissa.

"Oh, sorry mother, I forgot" 

"Oh dear. Well I guess I'll just have to manage"

Harry and Draco spent the rest of the evening unpacking. Lucius demanded that they have separate rooms, both at different sides of the manor. Harry had taken a picture of Draco earlier in the evening, so that he could keep it in his room. He looked down at the photo of Draco, smiling.

"Goodnight my love"

The photo Draco began blowing kisses and Harry could hardly stop himself from smiling when photo Draco pulled a moony.  

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

**~Christmas Day~**

Sirius moodily stabbed at a piece of turkey on his plate, party hat and werewolf extensions intact. So much for a happy Christmas. Lupin, on the other hand, was quite cheerful. 

"Merry Christmas Sirius dear!" smiled Lupin, holding up a glass of wine.

Sirius scowled. Lupin was still refusing to let him accompany him at the full moon and he was stuck with these stupid permanent extensions. He continued to stab his piece of turkey, wishing it was werewolf from down the street.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Dumbledore and MaGonagoll were also having a bit of a tiff. Dumbledore had decided to dress up as Santa Claus on Christmas Eve and sneakily deliver MaGonnagoll's presents. But he got down the chimney only to discover that she hadn't left a single mince pie or glass of sherry. Disgusted, Dumbledore threw the sack of presents into the Christmas tree, only to be electrocuted by some fairy lights.

And now, on Christmas day, they sat at opposite ends of the table, scowling and eating their Christmas dinner and wearing party hats. 

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Voldemort popped on his party hat and tucked into his delicious dinner (cooked by Wormtail). The Death Eaters were gathered round (minus Lucius of course) and Nagini was attacking a selection box. Wormtail, meanwhile, was on his second chorus of 'mistletoe and wine'.  All was happy here.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Meanwhile, back at the Malfoy manor, the table was nicely set. Lucius sat at the end (wearing a party hat and a scowl), Draco and Harry were seated opposite each other. Narcissa had insisted on doing the cooking herself (she wanted to prove she was better at it than Dobby). She and Lucius had agreed to try to be civil to each other. Dobby was also at the table, wearing a party hat. Lucius tapped his fingers on the table impatiently. 

"Where the hell is she? This dinner is taking forever"

Narcissa appeared, carrying plates of half cooked potatoes, a pile of brussel sprouts, carrots, and some other things that were unidentifiable. 

"What the hell is this?" said Lucius, staring at the plates in disgust. "Did you even bother to cook those potatoes? Brussel sprouts? For gods sake woman, I tell you every year that I hate them. And what is _that?" _ He pointed to the plate of  unidentifiable food. "Muggle food crap no doubt"

"For your information, they are Yorkshire puddings. I shall now fetch the main part of a Christmas lunch. You will love it!"

Narcissa disappeared. Harry shifted uncomfortably in his seat. Lucius quickly stroked Dobby's hand. There was an almighty sound from the kitchen. Seconds later, Narcissa appeared, desperately pulling a live Turkey by a rope into the room.

Narcissa picked up the struggling turkey and dumped it on the table.

The turkey stopped struggling and settled down on the large silver plate in the middle of the table. 

"Gobble gobble"  said Turkey.

"What the hell is this?" said Lucius, pointing his fork at the Turkey.

"This, my dears, is lunch! Tuck in!" said Narcissa cheerfully. 

"Tuck in? How the hell can I tuck in? It's still alive!" said Lucius.

"Of course it's still alive you stupid man" spat Narcissa.

"You're supposed to cook it before you stick it on the table!" said Lucius, swinging his knife and fork in the air. 

"Well I knew you had to do something with it. I didn't know what exactly so I went out and bought a Turkey especially for today and put it nicely on the table for us!"

"Woman, have you seen this Turkey? It is ALIVE. You do not eat LIVE Turkeys, you cook them. It takes a great deal of time to cook! You do not just go out, buy a LIVE Turkey and stick it on the table. Look at it for gods sake!" 

"Gobble Gobble" said Turkey.

"Lucius Malfoy, you are an ungrateful man. I go through all this trouble to make this day special and you have no respect whatsoever!"

"Respect? Respect? Have you SEEN this dinner? You give us potatoes that are half raw, the carrots are a soppy mess and you serve BRUSSEL SPROUTS. Bruseel sprouts for fucks sake! Who in their right mind eats BRUSSEL FUCKING SPROUTS?"

"I do" said Draco, quietly.

"Shut your mouth" spat Lucius. "I AM THE MAN AROUND HERE AND I DEMAND A PROPER CHRISTMAS DINNER!" he stormed, banging his knife and fork on the table. 

"YOU ARE AN ARSEHOLE!" shouted Narcissa. "YOU ARE AN UNGRATEFUL MAN LUCIUS MALFOY!

"UNGRATEFUL? I SHOULD THINK SO, I MEAN, WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT?" he shouted, pointing at the Yorkshire Pudding.

"YORKSHIRE PUDDING!" shouted Narcissa.

"WHAT THE FUCK IS YORKSHIRE PUDDING? WHERE'S THE ROAST POTATOES? WHERE'S THE GLODEN BROWN TURKEY? WHERE'S THE GRAVY? WHAT FUCKING CRAP ARE YOU FEEDING ME?"

That did it. Narcissa picked up one of the raw potatoes and threw it at Lucius, hitting him square on the forehead. The potato rebounded and hit the Turkey, who had a fit.

"Gobble gobble!"

"HERE'S YOUR FUCKING CHRISTMAS DINNER!" screamed Narcissa, throwing endless potatoes at Lucius.

Draco and Harry rushed out of the room, dragging Dobby who slipped on a hard potato and dragged Draco and Harry down with him.

"YOU ARE INSANE WOMAN, I NEED SOMEONE WHO CAN FEED ME!"

"TAKE YOUR FUCKING HOUSE ELF THEN! FUCK OFF OR ELSE YOUR HEAD WILL BE UP THAT TURLEY'S ARSE!" screamed Narcissa.

At hearing this, the Turkey bolted it into the kitchen.

Harry, Draco and Dobby picked themselves up and ran towards Draco's room, doging flying potatoes and sprouts on the way……..

A/N. Please Review. Thanks.  


	5. The day after

Chapter 5

Disclaimer: None of the Harry Potter characters belong to us (sniff, sob, blubber). 

Harry, Draco and Dobby sat nervously in the living room. Lucius and Narcissa were pacing up and down the room. There were smashed dishes, hard potatoes and Brussel Sprouts covering the floor from yesterdays dinner. 

"Mother, what was it you called me down for?" Draco asked nervously.

"I have come to a decision about your father and I" said Narcissa. "It took me some time (approximately 5 minutes) and I have decided I want a divorce"

"WHAT?" boomed Lucius. "Have you gone mad woman? What the hell have I done wrong? You're the one that nearly gave us bloody food poisoning with that shit that you called Christmas dinner!" 

"That dinner was cooked with a great deal of effort! I had to do it all on my own!"

"It was the worst dinner I have ever seen!" said Lucius. "A five year old could have produced better than that crap! What the hell were you trying to do? Put us all in St Mungo's for Christmas?"  

Narcissa picked up a vase form the shelf and threw it at Lucius. Luckily he ducked just in time.

"You bastard! I want a divorce now!" 

"I don't have to listen to this shit! Come Dobby, We're leaving!" spat Lucius.

"Yes master" said Dobby, following.

"Lucius we need to discuss this!" said Narcissa, following her husband out of the room. 

Harry and Draco sat there staring into space.

"Well……er…..nice dinner yesterday uh?" said Harry, nervously.

He didn't have time to duck the cushion which hit him square in the face. 

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Molly Weasley carried the fresh clean underwear belonging to Arthur Weasley into their bedroom. She opened his drawer and put them in. Humming to herself, she checked around the room for any dirty laundry and spotted a pair of Arthur's trousers in the corner. She picked them up and checked the pockets. She found something. She expected it to be a handkerchief or something. It wasn't. It was a pair of knickers. She frowned. The knickers certainly didn't belong to her. For a start they were about three sizes smaller than hers. She unfolded them and turned them over. What she saw nearly made her heart stop. There was a name written on them.

_Narcissa__ Malfoy _

She nearly threw up. She folded up the knickers and placed them in her apron. She picked up the trousers, threw them in the laundry basket and made her way downstairs. 

Ron, Hermione, Fred, George, Percy and Arthur were seated around the kitchen table chatting away. 

Molly set down the laundry basket and took a deep breath. 

"Children, would you be so kind as to leave me and your father alone for a few minutes, go for a walk or something"

"Yes mother of course" said Percy.

"Yes mother, oh great one, of course" mocked Fred.

Percy threw him a dirty look.

"C'mon Mione" said Ron, taking Hermione's hand. 

When they had gone Molly turned to face Arthur.

"Molly, what on earth is the matter?" said Arthur, looking worriedly at his wife.

Molly walked up to the kitchen table, placed her hand inside her apron and pulled out the knickers. She threw them on the table.

"Explain" she said in a very menacing voice. 

Arthur looked as though he had wet himself. 

"Uh…..well….um….knickers" spluttered Arthur.

"Correct" said Molly. "Now, please explain to me how they found their way into your trouser pocket. I'm quite sure they didn't walk there"

"Are…..are you sure they…..er…aren't yours?"

"Arthur, are you blind or just completely thick? One they are three sizes smaller than mine, and two, my name is NOT Narcissa Malfoy" Said Molly dangerously. "Please explain how a pair of Narcissa Malfoy's knickers ended up in YOUR trousers"

"Alright…ok…I'll tell you" said Arthur. "I…we'd had a lot to drink that night"

"A likely story! I bet you were as sober as anything Arthur Weasley! Narcissa Malfoy for gods sake! I thought you would have more sense. And people think we have the perfect marriage. Wait till they hear this at the ministry"

"No! No Molly please, I'd lose my job......Lucius Malfoy…what would he say?" said Arthur.

"He already knows his wife's a slut" said Molly. "The ministry will love this"

"No! Molly you wouldn't! We need the money! I'll lose my job! Please, I'll do anything!"

Molly thought about this and her mouth began to curve into a smirk.

"Anything?" she asked, loving this more by the second.

"Yes" said Arthur. "Anything"

Molly smiled. This was going to be fun.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Voldemort flicked moodily through his Christmas cards.

Pathetic. He hardly had any and even they were only from his Death Eaters. To top it all, Nagini had eaten the entire contents of his selection box. 

He was taken by surprise when Lucius Malfoy suddenly appeared infront of him.

"Bloody hell" said Voldemort. "Haven't seen you in ages. What happened? Argument with the wife?"

"As a matter of fact, yes" spat Lucius. "Some fucking Christmas this has been. First, my son writes to me telling me he is going out with Harry Potter"

Voldemort nearly choked on his glass of sherry.

"Then, my wife says she is ok with it and that he can come to MY fucking manor with Draco for the holidays. Then, the bitch tries to give me food poisoning on Christmas day by feeding me raw food and providing me with a fucking uncooked turkey. THEN, she says that I'm ungrateful. THEN, she demands a fucking divorce. And finally, she kicks ME out of MY manor. MY FUCKING MANOR!"

Lucius punched the table making Nagini jump. 

Voldemort burst out laughing.

"So, your son has chosen to be with the famous Harry Potter. This is going to be good" said Voldemort. 

"You better find a way of getting rid of the little shit before I do. I do not want MY son bonding with him" said Lucius.

"Soon, Lucius, soon. Relax, it's Christmas. A time for giving, a time for sharing. Come, have some left over Christmas dinner cooked especially by Wormtail"

"Is it safe?" said Lucius.

"Of course. Now Lucius, my Christmas present. You have it?"

"No"

Voldemort's smile faded.

"Why on earth not?"

"I gave you a bloody Christmas card didn't I? What more do you want?"

Voldemort burst into tears.

Lucius put his head in his hands and groaned.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Sirius stumbled into the street. He was drunk. Very drunk. 

He threw the empty bottle of wine onto the floor and threw his fist into the air.

"Come on ya fuckin ssssshitty werewolvshhhesss, I'll have the fuckin lot of ya"

He tripped over. He picked himself up and stumbled down the street.

"Come on, where are ya? I'll have ya all, ya ssssshits"

He climbed up onto a wall with great difficulty and stood tall. 

"I'm a man, ya hear me? I'm no sssshitty werewolveshessssss. I am a man. I am king. The almighty Ssshhhirius Black and I don't like ya werewolveshhesss. Come on, get ya furry arshessss down here ya shhhhites" 

Lupin  suddenly appeared. He was furious. 

"Sirius, get down this instant! What the hell do you think you are doing?" 

"Im a fuckin werewolveshhhessss! hoooooowwwwwwlllllllll! The king of shhhites"

He fell off the wall. Lupin rushed over.

"Sirius stop it! You are making a total fool of yourself"

Several people were glancing out of their windows at the commotion. 

"Come on ya shhhites! Get out ya househhhheeesss and fight like men!"

"Come on" Lupin picked Sirius up.

"No. Let me go ya shhhhite, I'm a fuckin man, I don't need no werewolveheessss"

"Fine" spat Lucius. "Don't expect me to look after your hangover in the morning" 

He stormed off.

At this point Sirius climbed up onto the wall again and decided to expose his bum to the cold air. 

"Kissshhhh my arshhheesss ya furry shhhhitessss, right on the cheek, come and get my arsehhhhesss"

He fell off the wall again and in a matter of 5 minutes was snoring his head off. 

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Draco put his arms around a sleeping Harry and stroked his hair. They were in Draco's room. The room was large with several portraits of ancient Malfoy relatives scattered around. 

"Harry, I'm sorry about what happened yesterday" he whispered.

"uummmmmm" said Harry. 

"Harry?"

"uummmmmm"

"I love you" said Draco.

"ummmmmm" said Harry.

One of the portraits made a gagging sound and reached for a bucket. 

Draco smiled before drifting off into a deep sleep.

A/N There you go. A nice bit of fluff. (excuse me while I barf). Please review.    


	6. More Disasters

Disclaimer: We own Harry Potter. JK Rowling telephoned us this morning, informing us that she could no longer cope with being a billionaire, and passed all the rights onto us, thus allowing us to finish book 7, in which everyone will become friends and live happily ever after. On with Chapter 6.

Chapter 6

Sirius woke up on the sofa, clutching his head.

"I'm dying," he groaned. "REEEEMMMUUUUSSS! Help me! I'm dying!"

Lupin strolled into the room, looking disgusted.

"It's a hangover," he said. "I levitated you back here after you passed out in the street. You made a total fool of yourself last night, Sirius."

Sirius scowled, hangover forgotten.

"What, did I embarrass you in front of your precious werewolf from down the street?" he asked nastily.

"I've already told you," said Lupin, plonking himself down next to Sirius. "There's nothing going on between me and that werewolf. We're just friends."

"Yeah right," said Sirius crossing his arms.

"Sirius, stop this nonsense. If you wish to continue making a complete idiot of yourself then you can kiss this relationship goodbye. I mean, first werewolf extensions and now this? I need a break from us, Sirius. I'm going out."

He got up and stormed off. Sirius groaned, his headache returning.

Lucius let rip a yell of frustration. His wife wanted a divorce, his son was currently in a relationship with wonder boy Potter, and to top it all, Voldemort was now not speaking to him due to Lucius not getting him a Christmas present. Lucius sighed. He needed Dobby. But Dobby was currently at the manor. He had apparated back because Narcissa had summoned him. Lucius scowled. He hated sharing his one true love. Dobby meant the world to him. He wasn't going to share him anymore. He wouldn't let Narcissa get the better of him. He apparated back to the manor.

"Doooobbbbyyyyyyy!" he wailed. Dobby came rushing towards him.

Lucius threw his arms around the elf and broke down.

"Oh Dobby!" he cried, tugging on the elf's ears affectionately "Too long have I been away from you. Too long have I waited to hold you in my arms. Too –"

"Oh for fuck's sake," came a voice. "You only saw him this morning."

Lucius let go of Dobby and turned around. Narcissa was standing there, her arms crossed.

"We need to discuss the divorce," she said.

"Fuck you," spat Lucius.

"I want a divorce now!" said Narcissa, stamping her foot.

"Well go get one then!" screamed Lucius.

"You're a crap husband!" shouted Narcissa.

"Yeah? You're a crap wife. In fact, I don't know what the fuck I was on when I married you! You're a lazy bitch, you can't cook, you're a slut, and you're as thick as pig shit. You make trolls look like fucking geniuses!"

Narcissa picked up an expensive ornament from the shelf and threw it at Lucius, unfortunately, it missed and hit Dobby, who wailed. That did it. Lucius pulled out his wand, rushed over to Narcissa and held it to her throat.

"You dare to hurt my one true love?" hissed Lucius. "Now you'll pay!"

"Fuck off," screamed Narcissa, and kneed Lucius right were his family jewels were kept.

Lucius fell to the floor, crying. Dobby looked furious.

"You shall not harm my Lucy!" he screeched and pointed his finger at Narcissa. A bolt of light emitted from it, and hit Narcissa squarely in the stomach. She went flying backwards into a table. At that moment, Draco and Harry happened to be descending the staircase.

"Mother!" cried Draco, rushing to see if Narcissa was ok. Narcissa got up, looking rather pissed off.

"You stupid elf!" she screamed. "Get out of this house. You're fired!"

Lucius groaned, still clutching his crotch.

"And take that piece of shit with you!" spat Narcissa, pointing at Lucius.

"But – but Dobby must be given clothes to be freed!" squeaked Dobby.

"Well, you can have these!" screamed Narcissa, picking up a pair of Lucius's underpants that were green with the words "Pureblood Power" on the front. "That's what you want isn't it? To get into his pants? Well now you're free. And you can take him with you!"

She tossed the underpants at Dobby, who squealed and began kissing them. Dobby put them on, and rushed to Lucius's side.

"Now Dobby and his Lucy can be together! Dobby and Lucy is free!"

"Hmmmmppphhhhh!" said Lucius, his eyes watering. "My jewels! My fucking jewels!"

"Dobby will fix Lucy's jewels," said Dobby, and dragged Lucius out of the room by his feet.

"And don't forget about my divorce!" shouted Narcissa, as Lucius's head disappeared around the corner.

Draco looked at Narcissa sadly.

"Mother," he said quietly, "You – you and father aren't really getting divorced, are you?"

Narcissa scowled at him.

"Don't start," she spat. "Of course we're getting a divorce. And just because me and your father don't love each other anymore doesn't mean we love you."

Narcissa turned on her heel and stormed out. Draco burst into tears.

Harry put his arm round Draco.

"It's okay, I love you," he whispered. "You're better off without your parents. To be honest, I think they're both shitheads."

Draco wailed even louder. Harry sighed. This Christmas had certainly been a disaster.

Voldemort sat with his head in his hands, sobbing. Oh the pain of it. Lucius, his most trusted death eater, had forgotten to get him a Christmas present. This would take a long time to get over. It was worse than anything. Even the day when Potter reduced him to practically nothing. He sat there, wailing into his hands.

Wormtail sauntered in, carrying a bottle of wine. He almost dropped it when he saw Voldemort crying.

"M – master! What on earth is the matter?"

"Ohhhhhhhh Wormtail! My heart bleeds. I cannot bear it!"

Wormtail sat down beside Voldemort and put his arm round him.

"M – master! Tell me what is wrong. I can help you to – "

"Nooooooo!" wailed Voldemort. "Nothing can rid me of this pain! It is by far the worst thing that I have ever experienced!"

"B – but what's the matter?"

"It's Lucius! He – he – no I can't say it!"

"What? What is it?"

"He didn't get me a C-Christmas P- present! Waaahhhhh!"

Wormtail stood up immediately, his eyes burning with jealousy.

"But _I _got you a present, master," he said, but Voldemort held his hand up.

"No! I cannot hear it! I am too distraught!"

Wormtail crossed his arms.

"So _my_ present wasn't good enough then?" he asked, screwing his face up in anger.

Voldemort shook his head. Wormtail looked outraged.

"Do you have any idea how much I paid for those handcuffs? I thought you liked them! When you opened them you were all like "ooohhh Wormy, thanks for the handcuffs, let's have some fun!" but now you're sitting here blubbering because Lucius, precious _Lucius_, didn't get you a present!"

Voldemort sniffed.

"Wormy – I – "

"No! Don't bother! You're just an ungrateful bald headed twerp. Oh and by the way, I've been seeing McNair behind your back anyway. So yeah. Happy Christmas."

He stormed out. Voldemort continued to wail, this time even louder, and didn't shut up until Nagini got pissed off and bit him.

The Cristmas holidays passed and soon Draco and Harry were on the Hogwarts Express, ready to start a new term. Five minutes into the journey, Ron and Hermione walked in.

"What do you want, Weasel and Mudblood?" snapped Draco.

"Fuck off, Malfoy," snapped Ron. "Harry's our friend. Just because he's hooked up with a stinking ferret like you, doesn't mean we can't speak to him."

"Fuck off, Weasley, you – "

"Draco, stop it," said Harry. "Ron's right. They are my friends. Please, can't you all just get along?"

Draco scowled. Ron snorted. Hermione didn't say anything. She had already opened her _Hogwarts: A History_ and was oblivious to the world.

"So, Harry mate, how was your Christmas?" asked Ron, biting the head off a chocolate frog.

Harry exchanged glances with Draco, who still had a scowl on his face.

"Er, it – well, er – Draco and I – well, Draco's had some bad news," Harry said, grabbing Draco's hand and squeezing it. "His parents have split up."

Ron nearly choked. Draco glared at him.

"What's so funny, Weasley?"

Ron was now laughing so hard he had tears in his eyes.

"Was it because of the elf?" he said. "Dobby wishes master to divorce his wife, so Dobby can have master all to himself. Dobby can get it five times a day now that – "

"SHUT UP!" bellowed Draco, causing Crookshanks to leap off the chair and hide underneath it.

"Ron, that's not funny," said Hermione, who had looked up from her book when Ron had done his Dobby impression.

"Shut up, Mudblood," hissed Draco. "I don't need you to stand up for me!"

"You leave her alone!" said Ron angrily. "You're just a stupid, stinky ferret. I don't know what Harry saw in you!"

Draco stood up and walked over to where Ron was sitting, towering over him.

"You know _your _parents, Weasley, how they're meant to have a perfect marriage? Well, your father is actually a slut who sleeps with half the ministry. Father told me. He gets them drunk beforehand though. Well, you didn't expect them to sleep with him _willingly_, did you? I mean good god, he's a _Weasley_ isn't he? I expect they'd run a mile if they knew what they were doing. Still, I bet they can guess that they've slept with him, they probably have his _stink _on their clothes the morning after."

Silence followed after Draco's words. Ron was visibly shaking with anger. His ears had gone red, singing any hair that sat near them. Draco, however, carried on.

"Because that's the thing about _your_ family, Weasley. They stink. All of them, especially you, you ginger-haired tosser."

"YOU SHIT!" screamed Ron, and jumped up. He swung his fist at Draco, knocking him to the ground.

"Ron! Don't be violent!" said Hermione, then whacked Ron round the head with her heavy _Hogwarts: A History_ volume.

"STOP IT! STOP IT!" shouted Harry.

"Get off me, Hermione!"

"Stop hitting him, Ron!

"Stop it you two!"

"He started it, the stinking ferret!"

"You started it by doing Dobby impressions, remember?"

"Yeah, well I hate him!"

"Yeah, well I love him," screamed Harry.

"ANYTHING OFF THE TROLLEY?" bellowed the trolley woman.

By the time they arrived at Hogwarts, Draco was still unconscious, Ron was surrounded by cauldron cakes and cramming them into his mouth, whilst nursing a migraine from where Hermione had whacked him with her book, and Harry was frantic with worry, scared that Draco wouldn't wake up.

Behind the doors of Hogwarts school of Witchcraft and Wizardry, many more relationships were destined to go wrong.

Filch whistled as he carried out his caretaker duties. He was thinking of his one true love. Yes, he and Vincent Crabbe would be getting married soon, and he couldn't wait. He wondered what Crabbe was up to now. He thought about him all the time. He smiled as he thought about seeing him tonight.

A noise from a nearby broom cupboard caught his attention. He crept up to it and listened.

"Ooooohhhh Gregory! Take me in your gorilla arms and let us seal our love!"

Filch's stomach churned. That voice sounded suspiciously like –

"Crabby Wabby! What lovely curves you have!"

Filch, burning with jealousy, pulled the cupboard door open. There, half naked and in each other's arms, were Vincent Crabbe and Gregory Goyle.

"YOU FILTHY FAT CHEAT!" bellowed Filch. "How could you do this to me? We're were engaged to be married! How could you?"

"Filch, my love!" cried Crabbe. "I – "

But Filch held his hand up.

"No!" he cried. "Don't say it! We are no longer lovers. Goodbye!"

Crabbe burst into tears and was glared at by a jealous Goyle. Filch walked away, thinking that revenge would be the best way to mend his broken heart. But who could he use to replace his precious Crabbe?

A man with greasy black hair, sallow skin and a hooked nose walked by, causing a smile to spread across Filch's face.

Yes, of course, _Severus Snape_. This was going to be fun…

A/N Er, just got a call from JK Rowling. Apparently she wants her rights back, and book 7, so unfortunately, it doesn't belong to us. Everyone in Book 7 won't become friends and she will most likely kill Draco. In which she will most certainly have us to answer to.


	7. Even more disasters

Disclaimer: Nothing is ours. Except for the disastrous plot.

Chapter 7

"WHAT!" bellowed Snape, as Filch informed him of Goyle's cheating. "I simply do not believe it! My Gregory would _not _cheat on me! Get out of my office you silly man!"

"But Severus, it is true," said Filch. "I caught them in the broom cupboard!"

Snape was about to speak when Crabbe and Goyle rushed in, both looking flustered.

"Gregory!" cried Snape. "Tell me it is not true! Look me in the eyes and tell me that Filch is wrong! You and Crabbe are not seeing each other, are you?"

Gregory looked at his feet.

"I am sorry, my love," he said in a low voice.

Snape began to wail.

"Get out!" he spluttered between sobs. "Get out! I never want to see you again!"

Goyle burst into tears and ran out. Crabbe glanced at Filch.

"Filchy," he began, but Filch held his hand up.

"Do not speak to me," he said, his head turned away from Crabbe. "We are finished. "In fact, I have moved on. Me and Snapey are now dating."

Snape ceased crying at once.

"W – what? But – " he spluttered. Filch shot him a warning look.

"Yes, we're now seeing each other, _aren't we_, Snape?"

Snape decided to play along.

"Y-yes," he stuttered.

Crabbe's eyes burned with jealousy.

"Filchy – please!"

"Get out!" shouted Filch.

Crabbe left, bawling his eyes out.

That night, Snape and Filch decided to comfort each other in more ways than one.

"Love stinks," said Harry, to the portrait of the Fat Lady.

"Why? I thought you were happy with ferret boy?" said Ron.

"No Ron, that's the password. Love stinks."

"Too right it does," said the Fat Lady, and let them inside.

They walked over to some squishy armchairs and sat down.

"I still don't know what you see in him," said Ron.

"Drop it," said Harry through gritted teeth.

"But Malfoy of all people. Why couldn't you have picked someone else?"

"I love him, Ron."

"What's there to love? He's a bleachy haired idiot. And he's a Slytherin. Why didn't you pick someone else?"

"Why don't you shut up?" snarled Harry and stomped upstairs.

Draco stared at the letter that his owl had just brought him. His eye still throbbed from where the Weasel had punched him earlier. He tore open the letter.

Draco 

_I have filed for divorce. I've given your father one hour to gather his stuff and get the hell out of this manor. _

_Mummy_

Five minutes later another owl flew in.

Draco 

_The manor is mine. Your bitch of a mother isn't getting anything from me. She can piss off and find somewhere else to live. Me and Dobby shall live in peace once she is gone. _

_Daddy_

Another owl flew in.

Fuck off, you ungrateful shit of a husband! This manor is mine, mine, mine. You can take your elf and go and live with that bald headed, red eyed twerp that you worship so much!

_Fuck you, bitch. I'm staying. Go shag Arthur Weasley or something._

_Get lost, bleached haired bastard!_

_Stupid cow!_

_Stupid bastard!_

_You shall not insult Lucy! Dobby will not allow it! _

Draco sighed and chucked the letters into the fire. Could things get any worse than this? A squeal answered his question. He turned around and nearly screamed.

Pansy Parkinson was standing there in her dressing gown, her face green from some disgusting face pack that she had smeared on.

"Drraaaakkkeeeeyyyyyyyy! You're back! How was your Christmas? I missed you!"

She threw her arms round Draco's neck.

"Fucking hell Parkinson! You scared the shit out of me!"

"Give us a kiss!" squealed Pansy, leaning in towards Draco, who was trying desperately not to throw up from the smell of the disgusting mixture on her face.

"Fuck off!" he said through gritted teeth and pushed her off.

But Pansy wouldn't give up. Instead she jumped on Draco, and began showering him with kisses. Draco suddenly wanted to cry. His father had ran off with the family house elf, his mother wanted to end the marriage, and to top it all, he now had an ugly green faced monster kissing him.

Suddenly Crabbe and Goyle burst through the door.

"This is your fault!" bellowed Crabbe. "If you hadn't seduced me, I would still have my Filchy!"

"You went along with it!" shouted Goyle. "You wanted it as much as I did!"

"Will you two idiots quit arguing and get this – _thing_ – off me?" said Draco, slapping Pansy's hand away from his hair.

Crabbe and Goyle rushed over and pulled Pansy away from Draco.

"I'm going to remove my face mask," squealed Pansy. "Then I'll come down and you can see my true beauty. Bye bye Drakey!"

Draco groaned and put his head in his hands.

"What's the matter, Draco?" said Goyle, sitting down beside him and throwing daggers at Crabbe.

"Nothing you two goons would understand," spat Draco. "Why are you arguing anyway?"

"He lost me my Filchy!" said Crabbe, pointing at Goyle and stamping his foot.

"What the fuck is a Filchy?" said Draco, his eyebrows furrowed in confusion. Then he realised. "Oh right. You mean Filch. Why, what's happened?"

"He seduced me!" said Crabbe. "There I was, walking along, looking for my Filchy, and Gregory jumped out and kissed me! Then he pulled me into a broom cupboard and –"

"Don't even bother finishing that sentence, Crabbe. I don't want to hear about your shagfest with Goyle. I've got enough on my plate."

"Plate?" said Goyle, his eyes lighting up. "Have you got some food, then?"

"No you twit," snapped Draco. "I'm going to bed. See you two goons in the morning."

Draco stomped upstairs. He was very near the top when Pansy jumped out and grabbed him.

"Not again! Parkinson will you just leave me the fuck alone!"

"Stop denying your love for me, Drakey," said Pansy. "Everyone knows you want me to be your wife."

Draco snorted and shoved her off. That was it. He'd had enough.

"When will you get it through your _thick_ head that I can't stand you? How many times do I have to tell you to "fuck off" before you actually leave me alone? I don't like you. I've never liked you. You're an annoying pug-nosed bitch. Now get the hell away from me. Don't come near me ever again. Understood?"

Pansy stood there. Draco rolled his eyes, expecting her to burst into tears. Instead, her mouth curved into a smirk. She reached inside her robe and pulled out her wand. Draco crossed his arms, a smirk spreading across his face.

"Oh please, Parkinson. You think I'm scared of what you'll do? You're about as skilled as Crabbe and Goyle when it comes to casting spells. Tell me, what exactly do you plan on doing to me?"

Pansy continued to smirk and pointed her wand at Draco.

"_Petrificus Totallus_!"

Draco barely had a moment to register what was happening before he became as stiff as a board and fell backwards. Pansy leaned over him.

"Oh Draco," she sighed. "You know I love you. I'm going to get you, no matter what. You aren't going anywhere. Tonight you're mine."

And with that she took Draco's feet and pulled him into her dormitory. Draco once again felt like crying.

Harry made his way to the Slytherin common room. He'd tried to get to sleep but it wouldn't work. He couldn't stop thinking about Draco, and so had decided to visit him. He didn't bother wearing his invisibility cloak, he didn't care if anyone saw him. He just wanted to see his Draco.

He muttered the password to the Slytherin Common room (Draco had told it to him) and stepped inside. He expected Draco to be there. He got a shock at what he saw.

Crabbe and Goyle were on one of the sofas, tearing each other's clothes.

"Ohhhhh, admit it, Vincent! Even though you love Filchy, you still can't resist my gorilla charms and bristly hair!"

"You are right Gregory! Let us make sweet love on this very sofa!"

"Oh Crabby Wabby, how I long to see your curves!"

Harry pulled a face and sneaked past the very busy couple. He figured Draco would be in the dormitory, so he headed up there. He stopped when he heard a noise coming from the girls' dormitory.

"Ohhhhhhhh Drakey! How I've longed for this moment!"

Harry's heart suddenly began to beat five times faster. Reluctantly, he pushed the dormitory door open and gasped at what he saw. Pansy was currently removing Draco's clothes, and something that looked suspiciously like a jar of jam was sitting on her bedside table.

Harry clenched his fists. He rushed over to Pansy and pulled her off Draco, then pulled out his wand.

"What the fuck is going on?" he asked dangerously.

Pansy sighed and waved her wand at Draco, releasing the spell she had placed on him.

Draco immediately shot up off the bed.

"Don't listen to anything she says," he snarled. "I was walking to the dormitory and she ambushed me. Then she cast Petrificus Totallus and dragged me in here. This has nothing to do with me."

Harry eyed him suspiciously.

"He's lying!" said Pansy, flicking her hair aside. "He was all over me! He told me that he's always loved me! He grabbed me on my way upstairs and told me he wanted to make sweet love to me."

"You lying bitch!" shouted Draco. "Harry, I – "

But Draco was cut off as Harry's fist connected with his jaw. Draco looked up, shocked.

"What the fuck was that for?" he said, rubbing his jaw.

"You think I'm stupid?" snarled Harry. "I've just caught you in bed with Parkinson and you expect me to think that everything's ok?"

"But she made me stiff!" said Draco, referring to the Petrificus Totallus spell that Pansy had used. Harry, however, took this completely the wrong way.

"I bet she fucking did!" he shouted. "So she turns you on, does she?"

"I didn't mean it like that! I – "

"Fuck off, Malfoy, I don't believe you. You're a waste of space. I could've had such a better Christmas. It was a disaster at yours. I could've stayed at the burrow. At least there aren't any elf shaggers there!"

Draco let out a yell of fury and punched Harry.

"You fucking shithead!" he bellowed. "You'll pay for saying that, Potter!"

Pansy squealed as the two boys punched each other, and it was only broken up by Millicent Bulstrode, who managed to pull both of them apart with her manly arms.

"We're finished," spat Harry. "You're a dirty cheat and I don't ever want to see you again, you filthy ferret."

"Fine," said Draco. "Your scar bugs me anyway. I was always put off by it."

"Don't you insult my scar!" said Harry, throwing his hand up to his head. "It's better than having greasy bleached hair. It was disgusting to run my hands through!"

"Yeah? Well I never really fancied you to begin with anyway."

"You liar!" yelled Harry. "You jumped at it when I told you how I felt!"

"Only because I was desperate!" said Draco.

"You bastard!" screamed Harry, and went for Draco again, but Millicent stopped him.

All was not well. After hours of fighting, Harry marched back to his dormitory. It was yet another disaster.

"GET OUT! GET OUT! GET OUT!" bellowed Voldemort, as he tipped Wormtail's belongings all over the floor of the Riddle House. "Get out of my house, you stinking cheat!"

Wormtail was cowering in a corner, McNair nearby.

"Master listen, I was angry the other day, I was just jealous that you cared more about Lucius's present than mine! Me and McNair have only been together once. It won't happen again!"

"OUT!" bellowed Voldemort. "Get out of my house you stinking rat! You vile cheat! You disgrace to wizardkind! You – "

Suddenly McNair stood up and swung his axe threateningly. As he did this Lucius appeared, dobby clinging to his side.

"What the fuck is going on?"

"I want this rat removed from my house," said Voldemort, pointing to Wormtail. "Send him out, Lucius."

Lucius sighed.

"You heard the master, Wormtail. Leave."

"Nooooooooo! Master I'm sorry! I – "

"OUT!"

Wormtail gathered up is clothes. Then he turned to McNair.

"C-come on," he said, gesturing for McNair to follow him.

"Get lost," spat McNair. "I was using you, anyway. I'm actually seeing Avery at the moment."

Wormtail howled and left the room.

Lucius turned to face Voldemort.

"I thought I'd drop by," he said, waving his snake cane. "The bitch is still begging me for a divorce, but I'd rather die before she gets her hands on my manor. I'm the one that does all the work while she sits at home on her bony arse all day."

Dobby suddenly jumped up and started smothering Lucius with kisses. Voldemort suddenly felt a surge of jealousy. He'd always had a thing for Lucius. It was the pimp cane that did it.

Voldemort's thin mouth suddenly curved into a smirk.

"Lucius," he said, "Why don't you stay here for a couple of nights? Hmm?"

"Only if Dobby can stay," said Lucius, tugging Dobby's ears.

"Very well," said Voldemort reluctantly.

"I just need a few things from the manor," said Lucius. "Come, Dobby."

He watched as Lucius apparated, and rubbed his hands together. He'd just decided that Lucius would be his, elf or no elf…

Sir Cadagon skipped along, a bouquet of flowers clutched in his hand. His jealous pony followed, trying to keep up. He reached the Fat Lady's portrait, and stepped inside.

"What the hell do you want?" asked the Fat Lady, crossing her large arms.

"Forgive me," said Sir Cadagon. "I was wrong to cheat on you! Please take me back! I love you! You are the moon, the sun, the stars, the – "

"Get lost," said the Fat Lady. "You cheated on me with Violet! How could you just expect me to take you back?"

"Please," said Sir Cadagon, kissing the Fat Lady's hand. "I will never do such a thing again!"

"The flowers are lovely though," said the Fat Lady, pulling them from him. "Okay, I'll give you one more chance, and if you mess up again, then I'll stick your visor where the sun doesn't shine!"

Sir Cadagon smiled and took the Fat Lady in his arms. She smiled as she no longer felt fat.

Harry tried desperately to stop crying but failed miserably. Eventually his curtains were pulled back, and Ron stood there looking pissed off.

"What the bloody hell is the matter with you?" he asked. "I'm trying to sleep."

Harry sniffed. Ron sat down next to him.

"What's the matter?"

Harry explained how he had found Draco and Pansy together. When he had finished, Ron jumped up.

"I told you! I told you he was a stinking ferret! He's not worth it, Harry. It's better that you've finished it! You're not the only one who's single, anyway."

Harry turned to look at him.

"What do you mean?"

"Hermione finished it with me after you left the common room. Said she wanted to spend more time with _Hogwarts: A History_. She was pissing me off anyway. All bloody Christmas she sat there reading it. She won't put it down. She was even reading it when she broke up with me."

"Sorry mate," muttered Harry.

"Yeah I'm pretty pissed off. But nevermind, I've got my eye on someone else."

"Who?" asked Harry with interest.

"Well, um, Harry?"

"Yeah?"

"Don't tell anyone about this."

"Go on…"

Ron put his head in his hands.

"I fancy Millicent Bulstrode!"

He squeezed his eyes shut, waiting for Harry's reaction. It didn't come. Ron opened his eyes.

Harry had fainted.

A/N. Please review this masterpiece of sillyness.


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